Shattered into a Million Pieces
November 6, 2007
Well Nifty did call me. And we are over.
He doesn’t feel the same about me, and hasn’t for some time now. He has been very unhappy. Apparently I have always treated him like shit. Anything that didn’t fit into my golden book of rules, I got mad for. I got mad if he hung out with friends, I got mad if he spent his money a certain way, I got mad all the time. And it’s true. Well sort of, I didn’t get mad but annoyed and I let him know I was annoyed.
He won’t give me another chance. He doesn’t love me anymore. There isn’t any possible way he could ever love me again because I’ve hurt him too many times. He says I will never change and I will always treat him like shit.
He didn’t want to talk to me on the phone because I was just going to “guilt him” into staying with me, like I had before.
I can’t breathe. I can’t stop crying. I don’t think this pain will ever go away. It feels like I’ve been shattered into a million pieces.
I never met to hurt him. I never thought that our silly petty arguments were really stressful painful things on him. I never believed that he was truly unhappy with me and wanting out of our relationship. I never knew that I was hurting him so badly that he would fall out of me and that it would be the last straw.
He said he didn’t love me on Saturday, when he told me he did.
Why did he do this to me?
Why did I let him do this to me?
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repair my heart and the damage this has caused me. It hurts so much. How could he have spent all that time telling me forever and building me up to believe every word he said only to turn around and say he doesn’t love me anymore, never will and that I treated him like shit? He never told me how bad I made him feel. I never knew. I wouldn’t have kept treating him the way I did had I known. I didn’t even think I was treating him bad. I asked him all the time if I was being horrible and treating him bad and he said no.
I’ve lost my best friend and the love of my life. So blindly and so suddenly. I don’t know what to do.
November 6th, 2007 at 2:00 am
< ![CDATA[Sweetness... please please don't cry... I guess some of this is also Nifty's fault... I mean if you are being so honest about getting annoyed then I think he owes you some degree of honesty, silence was never the key to a relationship working out... I know this for sure... I've been in this situation... as for being the love of your life, don't sweat it too much... you need time to get over it and some distance from things that are familiar and remind you of him.. I suggest you try cracking the indecipherable babble that is your computer teacher.. it will give you something to do...
one more thing, I don't know how much you are hurting, don't please get mad at me for offering some kind of advice... all I can say is, as much it hurts right now you will get over it...]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 2:13 am
< ![CDATA[I say sleep.
I know... sounds callous... but whenever I was done being smashed against the emotional barrier of love... after a long night's sleep... it was easier to mend so I could do it all again.
I also suggest a huge amount of chocolate tomorrow too. Chocolate always makes the world a little sweeter.]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 2:18 am
< ![CDATA[All I can say is you are much braver than I when it comes to voicing your feelings. I'm always worried about hurting feelings, so what I want to to say never gets said. I can honestly admit that even though I love my husband, we really SUCK at communication.
A couple of months ago,I cleaned out a room and a hall closet.
Filled with his stuff.
And did it while he was out of town. Without him knowing.
Now, after years of storage, he's looking for certain things and I know I threw them out. The day before Halloween he was looking for something that I threw away and he told me that I "fucked him over" and he didn't know if he could forgive me. We didn't talk for a day and a half and I didn't even know if we were still dressing up for Halloween(we did. Check out today's post)
The thing is...we're talking now but we have yet to address what happened last week. It's like he's thinking it's been brushed under the carpet. Maybe he's hoping I forgot or that I'm going to let it go.
But I haven't and I won't. I just need to work up to it. The one thing you had with Nifty was communication. The hubby and I still need to work on that because I SERIOUSLY need to get some stuff off my chest. But we might have to go a different route for it to be heard.
Communication is the main thing in any relationship, whether it leads to marriage or not. If you don't have that, you have a hard time building anything lasting.
I truly envy your honesty and I think maybe men--and boys--feel threatened by that. Honesty, that is. Blunt honesty.
I am truly sorry for your loss. I'm going to agree with Lizzie and say that it's gonna hurt. But you're young, you're strong, and you will survive. I promise.]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 2:32 am
< ![CDATA[Thanks again guys. I know I am young, and that I will eventually get over it. But he will always be in my heart. I pictured myself with him forever. He has been my good thoughts drifting off to sleep every day for a year and three months. And he is the first thing I think of when I wake up. It hurts that he does not realize how happy he made me, and it is so painful hearing he was not as happy as I was.
Too bad I can't afford chocolate. I will be skipping first class tomorrow to sleep, since I haven't been able to as of yet.
Thank you all again, your words make me feel as if I'm not so alone. A love lost hurts so much though. And yes, I am grateful for every moment I had with him, but its devastating being over. I can't accept it yet. It hurts too much, the pain is too raw.]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 3:15 am
< ![CDATA[Sweetheart - there are so many things I wish I could say to make you feel better...one of which is that he is not being honest with you. He is being immature by not taking on the fact that he hasn't been honest with you for some time. This can't possibly be all your fault - he needs to really OWN what's his in this. But as his age, I doubt that will happen.
I love you and please know you are amazing and special and I'm here for you.
xoxoxo]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 3:17 am
< ![CDATA[I'm so sorry that your relationship with Nifty ended, and that I can't offer you any useful advice, but I know that you're a strong person and will get through this.
You know how to reach me if you want to talk!
{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 11:01 am
< ![CDATA[I'm so sorry. You can't blame it all on yourself though, I mean if you were annoyed there was a reason, right? All of your reasons were legitimate. There are two sides to everything and I know its easy to blame yourself in these situations, but that's not fair to you. You're a strong person and I know its trite to say you'll get through this, time will heal.... but its true.]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 11:12 am
< ![CDATA[Thanks Girl, Dislocated and Amanda, I know that I’ll eventually get through it. For now it just sucks really bad, considering he wouldn’t even listen to what I had to say.]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 11:13 am
< 
this really sucks. We definitely need to make my birthday SUPER special!]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 11:13 am
< ![CDATA[Ben & Jerry's offers good therapy for this sort of thing...
...but DO NOT let him make you believe this is all your fault, because it's NOT. If this was truly the way he felt about things, he should have let you know. It sounds to me like he simply didn't want to work at the relationship, and instead of being honest about it, he ran you down. Please please don't buy it. There are 2 sides to everything.]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 11:14 am
< ![CDATA[I know Lexi, and it’s hard trying to keep that all in my head when I hurt so much. But I do know it. I’m pulling away faster then anything and will definitely not be taking him back, even though I want him, because he has hurt me repeatedly for the past 6 months. Not supporting me and always getting annoyed when all I needed to hear is that he loves me and I’m doing good.]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
< ![CDATA[Want me to make sure he sleeps with the fishes?]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
< ![CDATA[LOL about the fishes.
Hugs]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
< ![CDATA[Avitable - I'm SO on it. Call me. ;)]]>
November 6th, 2007 at 11:56 pm
< ![CDATA[No relationship has one person who is the cause of everything -- happiness or sadness. I know that you find that concept cold comfort right now. But, as time goes on, and clarity comes, you can look back upon your relationship and see what you did right as well as where Nifty failed.
I hope your healing begins soon. Take care of yourself.]]>
November 10th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
< ![CDATA[I understand.]]>
November 11th, 2007 at 9:39 am
< ![CDATA[Awww that sucks. I'm so sorry you are hurting. What a jerk. He's not good enough for you. Take the time you need to heal your wounds.
And I'll Avi and Karen if they need help with the fishes thing. *hugs*]]>
November 11th, 2007 at 9:39 am
< ![CDATA[that should read I'll "help" Avi and Karen heehee just woke, no coffee yet. sorry :D]]>
November 11th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
< ![CDATA[Darlin', I'm sorry to hear this, and I'm sorry you're upset. I know it feels like you'll just die, but trust me, you won't. We've all been in this place at least once before. In time, it will get better/easier. If nothing else, you've learned from this experience, both good and bad things. You've definitely seen the importance of communication and what happens if both sides don't participate in that communication (i.e., he was miserable and never admitted it to you when he should have for whatever reason). Concentrate on yourself now, let yourself grow while you're away at college. You'll learn knew things about yourself, and you might even find out you didn't know yourself as well as you thought. Explore your world now, take a break from the relationship scene, figure out what you want, then go find it.]]>