Monster

February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, I hope you all have a better day then I have been having! Sorry about what is sure to be a long rant…but I need to vent. And clear my mind. This seemed like the safer route to take opposed to drinking myself silly (that’s a joke, by the way; if I drink I drink for fun).

There is a particular reason why I hate Valentine’s Day (other then it is completely an invented holiday by Halmark) and that is because it makes everyone feel like they have to be in a relationship or else they are missing out on something important. That is a shitty feeling, and if you have ever felt it you know what I mean. I personally don’t feel that way, but I know several people who do.

I feel more bitter towards this bleak day then I normally would this year, and this bitterness streams from last night I’m sure. I mentioned that I was going to the movies with a whole lot of people for Single’s Only Day, only most of those people canceled so it was just Peterpops, Fuzz, Reaper and one other guy and myself there. We saw Fools Gold, it was pretty decent I guess. For the most part, it was fun. After the movie though, Fuzz snapped at me in the car and I snapped back. He was pissed off because in order to get the car he told his parents he had to work until 8, and it was practically 10pm when the movie let out. Of course, it was all my fault. So I fumed the entire way home, because I am so sick of people make poor decisions and then blaming it on me.

Anyways, after we dropped off Peterpops and Reaper, Fuzz apologized for snapping. I still wasn’t very talkative because I was still fuming a bit…and thinking about the issues I have with Reaper. (In case you haven’t guessed yet, Boy 1 is Fuzz and Boy 2 is Reaper…I’m not telling who Boy 3 is…yet).

While I was settled for the night re-reading one of my favourite books ever; New Moon by Stephenie Meyer, I get several text messages from Fuzz again apologizing about the night. Then he told me that he had started to like me again, and had to tell me because it was bugging him.

I really had no idea how to respond. Fuzz is one of my best friends, and I just don’t feel that way about him. Ironically, he’s the only guy friend who I haven’t had a crush on and before I suspected he had one on me, I was pleased with the fact that we were so close and nobody had a crush on anybody. I honestly have tried…I even kissed him once to see if there actually were any sparks and there wasn’t. Not for me anyway. It probably wasn’t the best idea to kiss him though, because now he thinks he likes me. I was drunk though, and my judgment was poorer then usual. I really don’t have the best judgment as it is, and drinking never helps.

This ended up being a longer text conversation then either of us planned. I tried to explain that I just didn’t feel the same way, but he told me to open my mind and try. I can’t. I’m still broken up from the whole NSN thing, I even told him that like 2 weeks ago when I realized just how shut down I am. He [text] told me that he wanted to be the one to change that. But I know he isn’t, like you guys said…I’ve got to do that myself. I also have an uncanny ability of knowing if someone is right or wrong for me, and since I know Fuzz so well…I know he’s wrong for me. And I am wrong for him too: he needs someone with a hell of a lot less issues, somebody perky and fun. I’ve got a temper that could freeze the earth over again in another Ice Age. I have never been one to trust easily, and I don’t trust at all now. I also have no idea what I want, and my indecisions constantly lead to someone getting hurt. Usually myself, but I know that I hurt people along the way indirectly. I don’t mean to, it just sort of happens.

Fuzz still wants me to try, but the bottom line is that I have and there wasn’t anything there for me. And it really does hurt me that I’ve hurt him, I feel like an absolute monster. I wish I could give him a better answer, but I can’t.

Because I can’t, I’m terrified this is going to ruin our friendship. I know he feels like an idiot for telling me, and I’m worried that he’s going to stop talking to me…as much. I honestly don’t need a boyfriend right now, I’m still in the healing process…and what I need is my friends to understand that.

I don’t want some knight in shinning amour to come rescue me from myself. All that knight in shinning amour would do as they heal me is carve their own hole in my heart, so it will be riddled beyond repair.

I still feel like a monster though.

7 Responses to “Monster”

1. Says:
   February 14th, 2008 at 11:27 am

   < ![CDATA[Im glad your honest with him, and I do not what to tell you other then being honest and straight forward with...er...Fuzz? :S
   If your friendship is strong, he will come around, he might just need some time. :)]]>

2. Says:
   February 14th, 2008 at 11:53 am

   < ![CDATA[I feel for Fuzz, but if the attraction just isn't there then there's nothing you can do. Chemistry can't be overriden by logic (or whining). Hopefully he can be mature enough to accept his place as your friend rather than drive you away altogether.

   Grant’s last blog post..Being Critical Again]]>

3. Says:
   February 14th, 2008 at 12:54 pm

   < ![CDATA[Jessica; when you fell in love with me, how much time did it take you? lol.

   Grant; I hope so. I feel for Fuzz too…I mean we’ve all been there. :(]]>

4. Says:
   February 14th, 2008 at 1:08 pm

   < ![CDATA[Honesty by far is the best policy in this sort of situation... both with Fuzz and Reaper... and Boy 3. At least if your honest with them... no sleep will be lost over the "what ifs".

   Oh, and if Fuzz likes you like "that", but then doesn't talk to you the same or is as friendly... then he wouldn't be "the one" for you anyway.

   What's the worse that can happen? Right. You binge on chocolate... because chocolate makes everything better dontcha know?

   NYCWD’s last blog post..I PPH Me]]>

5. Says:
   February 14th, 2008 at 2:01 pm

   < ![CDATA[I have been in this position in the past and it sucks. It's not your fault or your doing that Fuzz thinks he has feelings for you. Pick up the phone, let him hear your tone. Or better yet, let him see you in person and experience your closed body language. It's very difficult for people to accept the solidity of words in txt form.]]>

6. Says:
   February 14th, 2008 at 3:30 pm

   < ![CDATA[Doing it by phone or in person is much better than a text conversation. And being honest with him is the best way to make sure that he understands you love him as a friend, but you don't want to play ugly-bumping party games with him.

   Avitable’s last blog post..VD makes you itch]]>

7. Says:
   February 15th, 2008 at 1:16 am

   < ![CDATA[NYCWD; that’s true…about Fuzz not being right if he can’t respect my feelings. I’ll try to remember that. And send me some Lindor milk chocolates! I’ll feel so much better
   Poppy; Seems like all we can do is “talk” over text. He won’t bring it up in person and I can’t…I don’t know how. Grr. Next time I will though.

   Avitable; ugly-bumping party games? LMFAO. Nice.]]>